Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas toughht slpeling was ipmorantt!
Riddles and Jokes and More...
This is one of our favorite sets of riddles. It uses a number at the beginning of a phrase, but the phrase has mostly capitalized letters in it. These capitalized letters represent whole words. The number at the beginning of this phrase is supposed to trigger a recollection or an idea for how these numbers and letters go together.
For example. The first line in the riddle looks like this:
26 L in the A. Now you need to figure out the answer to this. Here is the answer to this riddle:
Please do not look for the answers until you have thoroughly exhausted yourselves in trying to figure them out yourselves. To give you and Idea, our family spent about three days figuring out 90% of them, and then the final few ended up taking about 4 more weeks!! So, as you can see, patience does pay off, since we figured them all out without cheating!!
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador.
As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet took the dog out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150?" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!!!" The vet shrugged.
"If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but what with the Lab report and the Cat scan..."
PUNS
* A good pun is its own reword.
* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
* If electricity comes from electrons... Does that
mean that morality comes from morons?
* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
* Without geometry, life is pointless.
* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your
imagination.
We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side.
OK...now hear the guys' side. These are our rules!
~ Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
~ Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
~ When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
~ Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work.
Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
~ We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.
Remind us frequently beforehand.
~ Most guys own three pairs of shoes, tops and pants. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
~ Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
~ Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
~ You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If
you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
~ Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
~ ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example,
is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
~ We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is
not proof of how little we care about you.
~ If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We
know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
Any of this hit a chord with you?
Return of the Riddle
~ How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
~ How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
~ What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
~ What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
~ Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
SKI SEASON IS HERE!
Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:
~ Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
~ Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
~ Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
~ If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
~ Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!
~ Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.
~ Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
~ Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!
~ Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
~ Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
~ Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
~ Drive slowly for five hours--anywhere--as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
~ Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip
onto your clothes.
~ Drink several ounces of water (or another beverage of choice), dress up in as many clothes as you can; now, quickly take them off
because you REALLY, REALLY HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!
~ Slam your thumb in a car door and don't bother to go see a doctor.
National Health Insurance, Inc.
ATTN: Claims Review
PO Box 17342
New York, NY 12276
Dear Sir/Madam:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident report form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new 6-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick. You will note in block number 11 of the accident report that I weigh 135 pounds.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground -- and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and, fortunately, only 3 vertebrae were cracked.
I'm sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 6 stories above me -- I again lost my presence of mind, and I let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more than the rope as it came back down on me and broke both my legs.
I hope I have furnished the information you require as to how the accident occurred.
Sincerely,
Billy Wohlnut
===============================
PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them you got it from www.MikeysFunnies.com!
S T U B B O R N !
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard full of mules, the wife sarcastically asked, "Are those mules relatives of yours?"
"Yep, they sure are, " the husband replied, "In-laws."
News Headlines
* Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
* Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
* Miners Refuse to Work after Death
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* War Dims Hope for Peace
* If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Punctuation Is Everything!
An English professor wrote the words "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote:"A woman: Without her, man is nothing."
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely!
If you should come into contact with WORK , immediately put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutraliser-Extractor (WINE).
The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning to five friends.
If you do not have five friends , you have already been infected , and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).
Update 5.05.05: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
A LETTER FROM CAMP
Dear Mom & Dad
We're having a great time here at Lake Typhoid! Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Billy
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
Expecting a Baby
A man phoned the hospital in a state of excitement: "My wife is pregnant! Her contractions are only two minutes apart!!!"
The doctor asked, "Is this her first child?"
The man quickly responded, "No you fool -- this is her husband!"
MEN
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
~ Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
~ What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.
~ Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
~ What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Darn."
A bad skydiver goes, "Darn." WHACK!
Baseball Heaven!
Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."
Joe looks up at Moe from his deathbed, "Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Moe, Moe."
"Who is it?" asks Moe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe -- it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
