ScheLalloing - The Art of Log Riding (Rolling)

ScheLalloing

-- Or --

The Fine Science of Floating A Log

Brought to you by the wonderful people at Dultz Inc. ®

We would like to dedicate this book to fellow Schelalloist and Dultz

Alison Schmaltz

For her great contributions

To finding and perfecting

The fine art of floating a log

--------------- And then the rest of the gang ---------------

Maria DeLallo

Joseph DeLallo

Laura DeLallo

Regina DeLallo

Katrina DeLallo

--- and ---

Amanda and Teresa DeLallo

Authors' Preface

What is "ScheLalloing"?

It has come to our attention that many of you do not know what ScheLalloing is. For this reason, the experts here at Dultz Incorporated, have compiled a book [with much tongue-in-cheek] explaining the fine art of ScheLalloing.

ScheLalloing originated in the summer of 1995, when a band of eager youths launched a log into the frigid water, and mastered the technique of water-travel upon such a craft. ScheLalloing was born! Since then, it has become increasingly popular among Alpine Lake enthusiasts. We confidently expect this entertaining, and somewhat dangerous sport to be among the categories of the Summer Olympics in the very near future.

We hope that this book helps those who are missing out on the fun, and hope to receive fan mail from you soon. We are also accepting applications for membership in our support group and are ready and willing to offer advise and assistance.

Dultz Inc. ®

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Chapter 1

The Attitude

The first thing to remember about ScheLalloing is that, no matter what difficulties that you may encounter in your pursuit of mastering this science is: IT CAN BE DONE! One should give the impression that ScheLalloing is as easy and carefree as breathing. It should be launched with a devil-may-care attitude, disdaining all human respect, as the lowest of virtues. You should emanate a spirit of professionalism and elitism. This sport should only be undertaken by those with a great love of the out-of-doors, and a fondness for freezing water. Your enthusiasm for this sport should spring from a bold flare for the unique and unusual. This attitude is the hallmark of the avid ScheLalloist!

ScheLalloing is also set apart from other aquatic sports by the distinctive garb of the enthusiast. ScheLalloists are always observed to be in the most modest and distinctive attire. Awards are given to those special people who maintain a solid record of decency and respectability. In fact, women, Miss Boston, 1898, should be your model.

Any of you who use vulgar or disgusting language are immediately rejected from the august ranks of the ScheLalloing enthusiast. Model behavior is required in all situations and difficulties. If you should DARE to violate this code of decency, morality and respectability, your penalty will be to be stripped of your rank and title, and ROLLED. Your name will be MUD. Applications Denied.

This is not to suggest that ScheLalloists are prudes! Rather, they uphold the standards required by an elitist organization. ScheLalloing only wants to garner those who can attain this high standard of excellence. The few! The proud! The ScheLalloists!

A ScheLalloist is distinguished by the amiability of its enthusiasts. A ScheLalloist is fun to be around! They enjoy good jokes and simple pleasures. In fact, simplicity is the essence of their existence. Those who can maintain these codes of the enthusiast, shall be immediately and without hesitation accepted into the fold with great camaraderie and family-like spirit, sharing in memories that will last a lifetime. YOU WILL BE ONE OF US!

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Chapter 2

Choosing and acquiring the craft

First of all, bear in mind that a ScheLallo is a LOG!! (WITHOUT BARK!! This is too rustic, even for us. After all, pitch causes one to adhere to the craft in a viselike grip, creating a hazard to your life.) Ideally the log should be denuded of all branched and sticklike projections, which can possibly gorge the rider's inner thigh and calf muscle, not to mention armpits and forearms. (NOTE: this is the ONLY incidence in which nudity [Of the Log!!] is considered to be very wise and advantageous. The more nude the better.) The diameter of the log in question should be no smaller than one foot and a half, but not exceeding three feet. (Only cowboys can ride these ScheLallos.) Further, the length should be at least fifteen feet, but no greater than fifty, for the obvious reason that such a craft is cumbersome and difficult to manage.

A ScheLallo must be obtained from pine tree stock, preferably found on the banks of alpine lakes. Let us remind you to choose the BEST craft that can be found. Long months of discretion are well worth the time. Moreover, a ScheLallo must be conditioned by at least one day exposure to water. This will create a balance and provide greater comfort to the rider. However, it must not be waterlogged. Your ScheLallo should be as a proverbial "wise old man," full of dignity and decorum. It should blend easily with it's surroundings.

Once you have chosen the ScheLallo of your dreams, confident that you have fulfilled your ultimate goal and desire, you have completed your first, major step in this fine pastime, and now it is time to launch your craft. This may cause some small difficulty, as ScheLalloing is a group sport. (Heated discussions may arise as to whether the ScheLallo is your dream or the groups' dream.) To silence such discussion, appoint a captain and a co-captain before the actual selection of your craft. Their main objective is to state: THE CHOICE HAS BEEN MADE!!! (in a firm voice). The captain and co-captain then hoist the craft aloft and proceed to the nearest alpine lake. (It is wise to choose burly individuals for these positions.) This procedure leaves all discussion behind, and companions form a solid unity in interests.

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Chapter 3

Mounting and Dismounting

Mounting the ScheLallo is a joy to the expert, but a puzzlement to the amateurs. A ScheLallo should be mounted in water that does not exceed the waist line, whenever possible. This keeps the craft stable, and prevents the unique ScheLallo problem of rolling.

Rolling is: when the log behaves as a horse desirous of pitching its rider, it will commence to spin rapidly, thus unsettling the unwary, and causing consternation among the ranks of the enthusiasts. The usual result is that all sailors are left to fend for themselves in the water.

As is obvious, such a problem must be prevented at all costs, thus the waistline level of water (whenever possible). This is the first test of the teams continuity and support of each other's personages. Cooperation is essential for smooth mounting.

The correct way to mount a ScheLallo is for all members to apply downward force to the craft: in unison. Once the craft is submerged, all members straddle the log in a manner similar to horse-back riding. Cheering is acceptable once boarding is complete.

In the event of the craft rolling during the mounting, remember: IT CAN BE DONE! Do not be discouraged. Many ScheLalloists have developed the attitude that "rolling" is fun!? This attitude does much to offset annoyance and frustration, as well as serious dangers, such as being expelled from the club as a result of vulgar language. Remember "The Attitude." (CH.1)

Dismounting is fraught with danger. One member of the ScheLalloing team announces his desire to vacate the craft, and springs from it with the force of a nuclear bomb. This results in a "rolling" for the rest of the crew, as well as an intent to harm the dismounted person. (To those who feel obliged to indulge in said venturous dismount, be cautioned that being tied to the ScheLallo and rolled is rather standard punishment.) There is a technique which all ScheLalloists need to master: The Art of the Dismount. Here's the procedure: First, announce your intention before the jump. Second, eeease left leg to right side of the ScheLallo, as though riding side-saddle, and lightly hold position, while fellow crew members brace the vessel. Third, slide gently from the log, scarcely raising a ripple. Do not use the log as a spring board. This WILL incur the wrath of Dultz Inc., as well as your fellow ScheLalloists.

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Chapter 4

Sailing your Craft

Ahh . . . here it is: the moment you've been waiting for, when your ScheLallo glides smoothly across the placid water of an alpine lake. This silence is usually quite suddenly and explosively disturbed by the frantic yelling of "ITS ROLLING!!" There are techniques to avoid it.

Before all else, balance is essential! This means everybody. It does absolutely no good for one person to be balanced and the rest of your members floundering. It is advisable to spend up to five minutes practicing balance. Once this is acquired, smooth sailing will come naturally. The ScheLallo is propelled by paddling the arms in a similar fashion as to swimming. We find it advisable to establish a rhythmic chant to ensure uniform paddling. We find "Stroke . . . stroke . . . stroke . . . " to be most advantageous. When turning right or left, the same principle applies: "Right . . . right . . . " or " left . . . left . . ." as is applicable. Once the desired direction is reached, "stroke" is once again resumed.

With practice, you can become quite skilled in navigation of a ScheLallo. The sense of "oneness" with your fellow members is thrilling. Ask ANY enthusiast! For those of you who like a good joke, choose a ScheLallo slightly more waterlogged than desired, so that only the heads of the crew are visible to the spectator. This will cause great debate on shore as to what in the !&%#$@ you are doing. Most entertaining. Other curious moves include: moving in reverse, (back . . . stroke . . . back . . . stroke . . .) rolling with the log, a.k.a. the domino effect, the submarine, in which all the heaviest members of the crew sit toward the front of the ScheLallo, causing an abrupt nosedive. Other moves are only limited to your imagination, ability and adaptability to your log. (NOTE: the heavier the people the greater the splash!)

Inevitably, during crises situations, you will perceive a tendency for the ScheLallo to roll, such as when a motorboat is engaged in an attempt to run you down: (backstroke backstroke backstroke backstroke backstroke)!!! A rolling log does not necessitate a dunking! This may be the result of a harmless wave, in the middle of a tide-hour.

There is a basic technique for remaining on the log during such crucial moments. When you conclude that you are about the roll, simply unclasp your legs from the ScheLallo, allowing the log to roll freely, all the while trying to maintaining an upright position at all times. This technique is tricky, but can be mastered with experience, you may find that you enjoy this, and roll the log just for fun!? Remember "The Attitude:" ROLLING IS FUN!?

Once the above mentioned techniques have been mastered, the crew will want to add to their cruising experience by regaling onlookers with a rousing, burst of song. Unfortunately, Dultz Inc. has not compiled a recommended manual of 'sea chanteys', 'folk songs' and 'dingy laments', appropriate for ScheLalloing. One must use the utmost discretion in selecting the rollicking tunes. However, with research, one can uncover many priceless lyrics, which lend themselves to adaptation and will satisfy the most winsome and nautical of spirits. For example, observe how well the following well known chantey is adapted to our use: "Heave Away, me Jolly Boys, We're all Bound to Go", with a little imagination can be sung: "Stroke Away, me Jolly Dultz, We're all Bound to Roll!" Such improvisation can be made even by those poor unfortunates with little musical talent or intelligence!!! Musical ScheLalloing can be done on the spur of the moment, as long as it is kept within the 'attitude' concepts of Chapter one and the dignity of the Unit concerned. One last word, those of you who find it impossible to carry a tune even when it is tied to you PLEASE remember that water carries sound! Don't destroy the carefully nurtured image of your crew by singing lustily as well as severely off-key!

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Chapter 5

Troubleshooting

This section is dedicated to the education of dimwitted members of the club. Those of you who can't seem to get it right, no matter what you do.

1.) Honorable dismount: to vacate the craft should it roll irredeemably remember: safety at all costs! Should you realize that the cause is hopeless, dive for it, being sure that you are well away from the ScheLallo; you don't want to brain yourself on the way up! Try to have all members jump to the same side of the ScheLallo. Those of you who had not the foresight to (A) to take a course in swimming and/or floating skills or (B) supply oneself with a lifesaving device, be forewarned that leaping onto the back of a fellow enthusiast, even in view of saving oneself, is severely frowned upon. It is the wise captain who demands a 'dry-rehearsal' of evacuating the craft without damage to persons and cluttering the summer air with explicative deletives.

2.) Paddling: if done without unity, immovability persists. You do not want to make an idiot of yourself, do you?

3.) Protrudance: In the event of discovering a protrusion, DO NOT yell foul words in a loud tone and a vulgar tongue! Try to find a seat free of obstacles and safe for dismounting. Dultz Inc. is not responsible for cuts and bruises and abrasions acquired by lame-brained use of the ScheLallo.

4.) Tight situation: Being pulled by the tail of your shirt: PLEASE make sure that all garb is safely clear of all protrusions when vacating a rolling ScheLallo. If this fate should befall you, don't panic! Merely wait until you surface, then locate the problem and dislodge the offending article.

5.) A major with a minor: It is unwise to bring a minor (less than 10 yrs. of age) on a ScheLallo. Should you decide to disregard this warning, exercise extreme caution, like floating the ScheLallo, and nothing more. Rolling with a short person can be tragic.

6.) Lost at sea: if, by some horrible fate, you are stranded in the middle of a lake, STAY CALM, panic will NOT help you. Above all, DON'T ROLL THE LOG!! Simply turn toward shore (right . . . right . . .) and, once aligned, gently: stroke . . . stroke. . . stroke . . ., with luck, you will bank your ScheLallo right around midnight.

7.) Save a life: your ScheLallo is a lifesaving device. If, in spite of all caution, you find yourself dismounted from the ScheLallo in surprisingly deep water, DON'T PANIC. Simply grasp the ScheLallo under your armpit, and attempt remounting.

DO NOT ROLL THE LOG!

We hope that this helps, and we further hope that you enjoy your ScheLallo.

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PART II

The Sophisticated ScheLallo

Purists will insist that it isn't a ScheLallo if it isn't a plain log. We here at Dultz Incorporated (Heck, we invented the sport), do not agree. We find it a pleasant change to locate a downed tree with a massive root-system. These ScheLallos are sophisticated. Due to the fact that they have a root system conveniently attached to the stern, they are nearly impossible to roll. Even the most avid purist will admit this to be a great advantage. Specifications on the Sophisticated ScheLallo should be the same as that of the ScheLallo, plus the root system.

Giving to the fact that the root system controls rolling, members are free to move about a little more freely than on the plain ScheLallo. Also, children of all ages are welcome on this craft as all members can be ready for a catch.

Also, we here at Dultz Inc. have discovered that "oars" come in very handy. We are not talking about buying an aluminum oar, but a oar composed of wood and looking distinctively like a branch. (Much to the surprise of the purists, it IS a branch). The essence of ScheLalloing is gathering from the land.

It is of vast advantage to the crew of a sophisticated ScheLallo, to appoint two lucky members to act as turbines or propellers at the 'root-system' portion of the vessel. In this clever maneuver, one can arrive at the concept of a mechanical craft, which the speed and versatility of the 'manmade' craft has perfected.

Another benefit of a sophisticated ScheLallo, is the welcoming of a greater number of crew to navigated, burst into song, and generally add to the thrill of sailing this marvelous vessel. This added invention, makes the sport broaden and enrich all those who find ScheLalloing an addictive hobby. This is especially true of those whose, spouse, is not involved, and find themselves, ScheLallo widows or widowers.

Be advised, that Sophisticated ScheLalloing is to be looked upon as an OCCASIONAL dally and NOT to replace the original ScheLallo. If one is to become 'Sophisticated' only, the skills of a strong and expert ScheLalloist, will erode and one will end up in the ranks of the lowest of amateurs. Remember, only the truly Bold and Fearless sail the LOG.

Events of the Sophisticated ScheLallo

Racing, Marathons and Relays

1.) Racing

The versatile sport of ScheLalloing has many faces and racing proves to be one of the most conducive to camaraderie and competitions among friendly teams. The length of the RACE is determined by the participants skills, endurance and their perspective of the ridiculous. There is no limit to the amount of teams participating in the racing circle. The fact is, the more the merrier, the more the challenge, the more the danger, the more the bold, the more the skilled and the more the advantage to show the unity and teamship of the crew, who is the most advanced.

2.) Marathons

Although relatively new on the horizon, this facet of ScheLalloing is body-building and finesse creativity. The rules are not written in these pages, since distance has not been one of Dultz Inc.'s primary aims. However, we have it on good authority that The Guinness Book of World Records watches with great avidity the progress of this great sport in hopes of having a record loudly proclaiming the ScheLallo's claim to immortality. So . . . Bonnie Dultz, the further the better!

3. Relays

This event consists of a length of water two football fields in which participants of equal size and amount, speed down in a timely manner to the center of the distance and simultaneously play "Chinese Stop Light" between two crafts. Here's how it works: The North bound craft, coming aside the south bound craft, as a group of one, mount the southbound craft while, the south-crafters astride the north bound craft. Now do y'all understand that? What we have just completed is the swapping of crafts!! A very interesting thing, if done with skill and daring (no rolling) can set a record of "Par Excellence." Time frames for this event have never been recorded due to the tragic effect of craft shifting. Please notify the local paper before partaking in said sport. You have been duly warned about the dangers therein.

4. ScheLallo Joust! -

This is a risky, and rather dangerous, though ridiculous event, which brands it with the ScheLallo attitude of devil-may-care.

Rules:

Two opposing teams, facing each other across the distance of a football field, race madly(?) toward each other with a special intent to unseat the challenging team from their craft. Meanwhile, protecting at least one mate who will survive safely to the end zone. The primary factor of this event is contained in the speed, skill and handling of oars, legs and brains. Don't forget, unseating them is the object of the game! ("Roll away ye jolly Dultz!!")

We understand that practically any field sport can be played on your ScheLallo, but the most interesting are: Water Capture the Flag, Water Football, Water Wrestling, and Water Volleyball. The only limits that we hold you to, are those found in your imagination, ingenuity and your insight into the ridiculous.

Benefits

ScheLalloing is the sport for everyone. It requires fractional maintenance and hardly any knowledge of the subject. Costs for the ScheLallo are minimal. For those of you who are into the "back to nature" crowd, (Note: DULTZ INC. IS IN NO WAY ASSOCIATED), pollution is negligible, at best. ScheLallos are not threats to the wildlife surrounding any Alpine lake, only adding to the rustic scenery. Geese, ducks and swans will accompany the ScheLallo, un-intimidated, and it gives them something to fly home about. They will NEVER forget you! "SAVE THE WILD" will benefit from the ScheLallo as a rescue vehicle. "Green Peace" and other such org's. will support you. (If you're into that sort of thing).

For the more adventurous ScheLalloist, following Salmon back to their spawning grounds is a popular activity, thus verifying the theory of "returning home."

Jacques Cousteu (Underwater-Ocean Photographer; the 'James Audubon' of the ocean) will become an avid supporter and benefactor of the ScheLalloist, mainly for their knack of quietly creeping upon unsuspecting, promising and interesting specimens of aquatic life. ScheLalloing will get you back to nature all right; you will be closer to nature than you have ever been before, and in fact, closer than you ever wanted to be! Dultz Inc. doesn't support or encourage this type of fanatical obsession toward floating your log. However, one may see that this where this sport may lead. Remember the Attitude.

You may even use your ScheLallo as an edible repast: Picnic on the ScheLallo With pine-bark tea and thinly sliced pine-roughage.

Heck, tours are the thing right now. Think about it: A romanza on a ScheLallo, with eight-piece band, candles, wine and waiters. Or, the two week cruise for two on a sophisticated ScheLallo, complete with sleeping accommodations! (Sleeping at odd angles shouldn't annoy you excessively.) Special request option only: Accepting honeymooners only.

Substitute ScheLallos

For those poor individuals who have neither access to Alpine lakes nor pine stock, accept our pity. We offer you: Replacement Crafts!! NOTE: these are NOT genuine ScheLallos, but mere substitutes.

1.) Telephone Poles at Ol' water 'ole.

Warning: Telephone poles are splintery! Furthermore, Telephone poles are coated with adhesive sealant. This may cause a hazard to your health, as you will adhere to a rolling Pole as a fly to a "No Pest Strip!". Have fun.

2.) Railroad Tie in the Pond.

Ties don't meet the requirement in length, nor yet in shape. Square is worse than round. Rather that the "safe(?)" protrusions on a true ScheLallo, ties have hidden spikes in the form of rusty nails. There is also the danger of tar astringent, smelling like yesterdays old eggs, with too much pepper. WARNING: Ties are biologically damaging.

3.) Your basic 2x4x6 plank, taken from picket rail fence. In the interest of your safety, please remove ALL traces of barbed wire fencing. Floating your vessel in the nearest swamp pool is very refreshing. Thank you.

Dultz Incorporated ® is:

Maria G. DeLallo

Joseph A. DeLallo

Alison L. Schmaltz

Laura M. DeLallo

Regina M. DeLallo

Katrina M. DeLallo

Honorary Member: Mom M. DeLallo

God Bless and

Good Sailing!

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